Thursday, July 29, 2010

There's a LOT of hurt there

It's been just over 3 years since I've had any kind of contact with my mom.  The last time I spoke to her was not long after my youngest son Avery was born.  What exactly was it that was the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak?  I honestly don't even remember.  I know there was a huge blow up and either I hung up on her or she hung up on me, and that was the last contact we had.  I've seen her at my sister's house at Christmas, but barely 3 words were spoken between us.  She has gone to one or two of the birthday parties my sister had for my niece, but again when she did come we didn't speak.

The last time she came to a birthday party for MY boys was when Austin turned 2 and Aidan turned 4.  She stayed for exactly 20 minutes then left.

I could seriously list SO many things that she has said/done that have hurt me to my core.

The very worst one was the comment "he's just another boy, nothing special about him" that she made when I questioned why she didn't bother coming to see us after my youngest son was born.
Or I could tell about all the times she went to my sister's house for birthday parties, get togethers, etc and never bothered to even attempt to make it to a party for my kids or even send a card.

I really don't want to list everything she's said or done because that isn't the point of this entry.

I'm also not going to say that I'm completely innnocent in all this.  I know I've said things to hurt her feelings. And I'm not trying to say I was perfect in all this.

I've been told multiple times by my sisters and stepmom "be the bigger person. Just call her" and they've told me plenty of times "that's just the way mom is, you have to just take it if you want to have any kind of relationship with her."  I've also been told I'm "to sensitive" about what has been said/done.

When I think about why I'm so hurt by what she has said/done to me I only come to one conclusion...

I was always the one that was so close to my mom.  I defended her during the very very nasty divorce between her and my dad.  I chose her over my dad when asked who I wanted to live with.  I did everything for her while growing up.  I practically raised my two youngest siblings.  I got up in the middle of the night for bottle feedings, changed, clothed, played with them.  I took them to school, friends houses, birthday parties.  I did the grocery shopping, ran all the errands, cleaned house, etc etc.  I could go on and on.  Then for her to say these things to me, and treat me the way she's treated me?  It just hurts.

My mom was diagnosed with M.S (Multiple Sclorosis) back when I was still in High School. My mom's disease has progressed and gotten worse. She has fallen into a major depression. She won't admit it. She never leaves her house. NEVER. She doesn't want people to see her having to hold onto someone to walk. Because of her shame in herself, she refuses to use a walker or any kind of medical equipment to help her. She doesn't admit she needs help so the drs can't prescribe her medicines that would help her. Heck, I don't even think she has seen her dr in 6 years. How she keeps getting refills on her meds is beyond me.

I know she'd kill me for talking about her disease on my blog.  But hell, what is she going to do? Stop talking to me?  Did that 3 years ago!

Lately I've been thinking a lot about all these years we've wasted not speaking.  The other day a friend of mine lost her mom to cancer.  It was very quick from diagnosis to her passing away.  I read her blog entries as she talked about how hard it was watching her mom be taken by this disease.  I cried as I read about her memories of her mom and about her taking care of her mom in her final days.  I still cry when I read about how much she misses her mom.  I cry not only because I feel for her, but also because I think about how I wish my mom and I were as close still as we were a long time ago.  

My boys don't know my mom as "grandma".  They see a picture of her and ask "mom who is that?" and I say "that's my mom" or "that's Kelly's (my sister) mom"  She doesn't call or see them on holidays or their birthdays.  No birthday cards in the mail or anything like that either.

I think back to how close my grandmother and I were and I wish with everything in me that my boys had a relationship with my mom like that.  I look at my boys and wonder how anyone could NOT want to be in their lives.

Sure you could ask "if you feel that way why don't you just "be the bigger person" and call her?"  and to that I say...

There's a LOT of hurt there.  And I feel like if she really wanted that relationship, or really wanted to know her grandkids wouldn't she be showing some kind of effort?


Lily Bean Designs said...

I totally feel for you. This is almost exactly what I am going through with my father. Not as deep, or for as long, but I have two baby girls who he hasn't seen for a long time. I can count on two hands how many times he has seen them. My oldest is about to turn 3. =( All the best to you, and I hope everything works out for you and your mom.

Candace said...

I can't say I have this experience personally, but I do have close friends with similar stories. My heart goes out to you because we all want the ideal situation in our lives and especially our children's lives. But the fact is, we live in an imperfect world with other imperfect people and all we can do is hope, pray, and make the best choices we can with the knowledge that we have been given. Please be encouraged that although your relationship with her is not what you would hope for, you have the advantage of bringing up a better generation :-)

Sarah said...

That's tough and I'm sorry for you. I wish that I had a magic answer but I don't so I will pray for you and your mom.

LaVonne said...

I hope that your mom reads this blog and decides to give you a call. Life is too short to hold onto things. Family and relationships are what count. I will be praying for you. Thanks for posting such an honest entry today. Kuddos to you!

Shell said...

I understand. While my mom and I talk more than that, we are not close. I know I could be the bigger person- but in my mom's case, that would mean doing/saying exactly what she wants- and not being me.

Thanks for linking up.

Adrienne said...

This has to be hard! I can relate to a lot of this with other family members. It's hard to always 'be the bigger person'. Then you find yourself being the one who works at the relationship and get nothing in return. But it's a struggle b/c you want to do the right thing. I'm sorry she is causing you this pain. The birthdays going unrecognized, and not visiting her grandchildren is too much. I'm sorry! I hope you two can repair your relationship somehow.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

*BIG HUGS* I'm so sorry :(

Layne said...

A few years ago, I realized I could "break up" with things that weren't working in my life. I've broken up with self-check outs, MapQuest, The Today Show, Wal-Mart, God, and an old roommate. You have a CHOICE of who or what you can have in your life. It sounds to me you have made every effort available to you, and still get a negative return. If you don't feel you're ready to break up, at least take a break. It takes two people to be in a relationship. Good luck.

MarkyDsMom said...

the thing is, if you make that choice to be the bigger person to work at a relationship with your mom... most times people expect that the other side will work for it as well... which usually isn't the case, so if your interested in a relationship where your doing all the work to make it happen i say go for it because to me it doesn't sound like she is interested or she would make at least SOME kind of effort. It sucks that this is what you have to deal with from your mom but maybe if you told her how you felt maybe she would come around, maybe not but either way at least you would have RELEASED it and it will make you feel better knowing that... YOU TRIED.
just my thought :o)

Miss Welcome said...

Hello beautiful blogger. It's my first visit but I was really touched by what you wrote. I don't have an answer for you because each person has to find their own way. I know people who have chosen not to have a relationship with their parents because it was more detrimental for them to do so. I would not choose that way, but I am only in my own shoes, not someone else's.

I also did a lot for my mom growing up in a different sort of way - mostly entered into her feelings while neglecting my own. We do have a good relationship now - we've made peace and then some. However, it was hard for me to stop being a mother to the whole world when I sometimes had to be a mother (or at least a confidante) to my own mom.

Anyway, sending you hugs.