Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Pour your Heart Out - another feelings on a 4th boy entry

Linking up with Shell again this week to Pour My Heart Out.  Click the picture and read others who are pouring their hearts out too.

So are you guys sick of hearing my feelings on a 4th boy yet??  I'm sure you are.  I know I'm tired of moping around and writing about it all the time.

For those that don't know...I went yesterday for the anatomy sonogram.  During the sonogram we found out we'll be having boy #4.  I knew that was a possiblility.  This pregnancy was completely unplanned, unexpected, and not even in the realm of our thoughts.  I was on the Nuvaring when I got pregnant.   I hadn't had a period is almost 3 months despite changing my ring like I was supposed to and I decided to go to the doctor.  I wasn't expecting to hear "you're pregnant" but that's exactly what I heard.  To say I was shocked would be an understatement.   During my c-section with my 3rd son I was told there were a lot of complications and that a 4th pregnancy would be dangerous.  And now that was exactly what I was told was happening.  A 4th pregnancy. If I had planned this 4th pregnancy I would have swayed my odds or kept track of my cycles to best choose my ovulation days.  But there would be none of that.  I was pregnant!

In my mind I kept telling myself "maybe this was my way to get a girl" "obviously this was meant to be! It must be my girl!" I kept saying "this pregnancy is so different then the other three.  It has to be a girl!"  Even my husband was saying "I have a feeling this one is a girl."  During the sonogram I was looking at the baby on the screen and told the sonographer "I don't see anything between those legs!" and I said to her "Be nice to me! Tell me it's a girl!"

I think she knew the entire time that it was a boy though.  She was saying things like "well you don't see anything between the legs because the legs are closed" and "well we'll see, But it's not my fault, it would be his fault (pointing at my hubby).  That should have been my first clue.  But in my head I kept saying "she just wants to surprise me."  "she just wants to show me a great shot of the girl money shot." etc etc.

So when she showed another angle of the legs and said "do you see anything between the legs now?" and I saw what I saw I still was in disbelief. I was looking so hard to not see anything that I think I sort of blocked out the penis there on the screen.  My husband says it was clear as day. She then said to me "I'm sorry.  I'm not very nice to you am I?"  And the tears started to fall.  Right there on the table I started to cry.  I'm talking the big crocodile tears running down my face with my stomach bouncing with each breath I took.  I was trying so hard to hide it.  She was having trouble getting other pictures because my belly kept moving with my tears. I was trying to hold my breath so she could get more pictures.  And to her credit she was trying to make me feel better.  She was saying things like "oh look how cute he is" and "look he's got his fists already out ready to fight".

I try to explain to people I'm not mourning the fact that it's another boy.  I'm mourning the fact that I'll never have that daughter I've always dreamed about.  I'm not sad at the fact that I'm having another boy. I'm sad at the fact that I'll never get to experience the girl things.

I love my boys.  I love having boys.

I think maybe if I could do some shopping I might feel better.  Maybe if I got a few "boy" things in the house I could get more excited. We threw everything baby/infant related away since there were no plans for another baby.  So really we need to start all over.

The words of my mother still echo in my head from after I had my third son "Just another boy, nothing special about him."  And I worry.  If he was "just another boy and nothing was special about him, how will everyone feel about yet another boy?"

I know to me he'll be special.  But will he be ignored by everyone else as "just another boy."  I mean hell he'll be the 6th grandson on each side of the family.  Nothing special about that huh?

and here I go crying again so I'm going to end this now.

Back to your regularly scheduled happy entries soon I promise.


Aunt Crazy said...

I'll be honest here and say that I have NO IDEA what it feels like to feel what you're feeling cuz I have one of each, a boy then a girl. I have several friends that have 3 or 4 boys each. They love it. They were each disappointed when that "last" one was a boy. I have no idea if it ever helped, but I told them then and I hope this helps you, you'll have daughters in law one day and I truly truly believe that some moms are made to be moms of boys and the mother in laws, GREAT mother in laws. You'll feel so special to have them finally that you'll be kind to them, the mother in law that every girl dreams of having, instead of the horrid ones portrayed in movies and in real life so often. Your boys will be happy to bring home THE ONE and share her with you because they know you'll love and cherish her the same way they do. I'm sorry you are so sad and I wish the blogosphere could turn those boy parts into girl parts, but I bet at this point you wouldn't because you love him already. You've been preparing for him and he has a place in your heart and in your family and in your soul and you wouldn't give that away.

JennyWLS said...

Heather, I am so sorry. I know that you will love this baby with all your heart and give him the best life possible. I think that its understandable that you need a few days to reign in your emotions and mourn your dream. You have years and years ahead of you with this little guy, so a few days for YOU and YOUR emotions are well deserved. He's not "just another boy", he's your little boy and should be celebrated and rejoiced over for the amazing blessing he is going to be in your life :)

Shell said...

These lines that you wrote: I try to explain to people I'm not mourning the fact that it's another boy. I'm mourning the fact that I'll never have that daughter I've always dreamed about. I'm not sad at the fact that I'm having another boy. I'm sad at the fact that I'll never get to experience the girl things.

Are EXACTLY how I feel. EXACTLY.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

Awww honey! Don't cry. I can't say I can relate since i have one of each....and I don't really know what to say to make you feel better. *HUGS*

Kisma said...

Four boys will surely make life that much more entertaining and fun.

Dawn said...

I just recently started following your blog and I just need to say I know how you feel about the unplanned pregnancy! I got pregnant with my daughter (who is now 6 weeks) while on the pill. I took it every day religously and when I didnt get my period like I was supposed too, I panicked! When those lines popped up on that test and said positive, I got angry and I cried. My boyfriend on the other hand was super excited. I cried some more. When it was confirmed at planned parenthood that I for sure was pregnant, I got in my car, and I cried some more. Just like you did on the ultrasound table. Big sobbing alligator tear cry! I didnt want this. I didnt want another kid. It wasnt the time because my boyfriend is unemployed and we are barely making it as it is. I didnt want to bring another child into the mess that was our life. And to top it oldest is 7 years old. I HAVE TO START ALL OVER! I dont know how to be a mom to an infant. WTF!

I had those feelings up until I was about 6 months pregnant. After that then I started kinda getting excited. I still had my moments of anger, but then when I heard that sweet baby cry, I felt guilty! So guilty for hating that I was pregnant for so long.

My point, dont be bummed about your 4th boy! I know your sad about not having that daughter and girly stuff, but relish the fact that your pregnant and dont let it waste away. I still regret hating my pregnancy for so long because I never enjoyed it. And like the first person said, One day, you will have 4 daughters to love on and your boys will appreciate that because your desire for a daughter will pour out into them and you will love them just as much as they do!

Chin up dear! Things will be ok! :) And if everyone else shrugs it off and doesnt think its special to have another boy, screw them...they just suck anyway!

Jeannette said...

I'm so sorry hun. I had some complications during my last pregnancy so our second baby may be our last. I am hoping for a girl but I think I might be in your shoes by next Spring. I am sure he'll have such a personality that he couldn't possibly be "just another boy".

Steph said...

Newest follower...over from Shell's.

One of my favorite quotes I have ever heard is: "No two children are born into the same family."

When you have your 1st, he is born into a family of the two of you. Then the next into a family of parents and an only child, etc.

This new baby boy completes your circle. :)

(I was mortified to read what your mom said. :( )

Glad I found your blog.

Teresa said...

good luck with your 4th - and additional boy! I'll look forward to reading your blog for advice with our first little boy!