There's a LOT of hurt there

It's been just over 3 years since I've had any kind of contact with my mom.  The last time I spoke to her was not long after my youngest son Avery was born.  What exactly was it that was the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak?  I honestly don't even remember.  I know there was a huge blow up and either I hung up on her or she hung up on me, and that was the last contact we had.  I've seen her at my sister's house at Christmas, but barely 3 words were spoken between us.  She has gone to one or two of the birthday parties my sister had for my niece, but again when she did come we didn't speak.

The last time she came to a birthday party for MY boys was when Austin turned 2 and Aidan turned 4.  She stayed for exactly 20 minutes then left.

I could seriously list SO many things that she has said/done that have hurt me to my core.

The very worst one was the comment "he's just another boy, nothing special about him" that she made when I questioned why she didn't bother coming to see us after my youngest son was born.
Or I could tell about all the times she went to my sister's house for birthday parties, get togethers, etc and never bothered to even attempt to make it to a party for my kids or even send a card.

I really don't want to list everything she's said or done because that isn't the point of this entry.

I'm also not going to say that I'm completely innnocent in all this.  I know I've said things to hurt her feelings. And I'm not trying to say I was perfect in all this.

I've been told multiple times by my sisters and stepmom "be the bigger person. Just call her" and they've told me plenty of times "that's just the way mom is, you have to just take it if you want to have any kind of relationship with her."  I've also been told I'm "to sensitive" about what has been said/done.

When I think about why I'm so hurt by what she has said/done to me I only come to one conclusion...

I was always the one that was so close to my mom.  I defended her during the very very nasty divorce between her and my dad.  I chose her over my dad when asked who I wanted to live with.  I did everything for her while growing up.  I practically raised my two youngest siblings.  I got up in the middle of the night for bottle feedings, changed, clothed, played with them.  I took them to school, friends houses, birthday parties.  I did the grocery shopping, ran all the errands, cleaned house, etc etc.  I could go on and on.  Then for her to say these things to me, and treat me the way she's treated me?  It just hurts.

My mom was diagnosed with M.S (Multiple Sclorosis) back when I was still in High School. My mom's disease has progressed and gotten worse. She has fallen into a major depression. She won't admit it. She never leaves her house. NEVER. She doesn't want people to see her having to hold onto someone to walk. Because of her shame in herself, she refuses to use a walker or any kind of medical equipment to help her. She doesn't admit she needs help so the drs can't prescribe her medicines that would help her. Heck, I don't even think she has seen her dr in 6 years. How she keeps getting refills on her meds is beyond me.

I know she'd kill me for talking about her disease on my blog.  But hell, what is she going to do? Stop talking to me?  Did that 3 years ago!

Lately I've been thinking a lot about all these years we've wasted not speaking.  The other day a friend of mine lost her mom to cancer.  It was very quick from diagnosis to her passing away.  I read her blog entries as she talked about how hard it was watching her mom be taken by this disease.  I cried as I read about her memories of her mom and about her taking care of her mom in her final days.  I still cry when I read about how much she misses her mom.  I cry not only because I feel for her, but also because I think about how I wish my mom and I were as close still as we were a long time ago.  

My boys don't know my mom as "grandma".  They see a picture of her and ask "mom who is that?" and I say "that's my mom" or "that's Kelly's (my sister) mom"  She doesn't call or see them on holidays or their birthdays.  No birthday cards in the mail or anything like that either.

I think back to how close my grandmother and I were and I wish with everything in me that my boys had a relationship with my mom like that.  I look at my boys and wonder how anyone could NOT want to be in their lives.

Sure you could ask "if you feel that way why don't you just "be the bigger person" and call her?"  and to that I say...

There's a LOT of hurt there.  And I feel like if she really wanted that relationship, or really wanted to know her grandkids wouldn't she be showing some kind of effort?

Having All Boys is MY fault?!

So a friend shared this article with me yesterday.  I have to completely and totally disagree with it!  I don't find myself "assertive and competitive" at ALL!

I'd love to hear what YOU think about this article!

The article can be found HERE and this is what is says:

It's a Boy... Thanks to Mom Scientists have found that a mother's testerone level during pregnancy may influence both her behavior and the gender of her baby.



By PT Staff, published on November 01, 1995 - last reviewed on June 03, 2005


Fertilization, say biologists, is a maniacal, winner-takes-all race between millions of sperm. If the first to arrive bears an X chromosome, the result is a girl. If a Y-sperm shows up first, it's a boy.






But a New Zealand psychiatrist believes it's more complicated than that. Valerie Grant, M.D., contends that mothers, not dads, determine the sex of a baby -- and that a woman's personality may be a window to her son- or daughter-bearing potential.






Grant assessed the personalities of young women likely to conceive soon, then checked back nine months later. Those who bore sons, she found, were more assertive, competitive, and self-reliant than those who had daughters, she reports in the British Journal of Medical Psychiatry.


Her theory: Testosterone levels influence both a woman's behavior and the sex of her kids. (Yes, women have testosterone too, though far less than men.) Grant believes the hormone turns an egg into an active player in the fertilization sweepstakes, causing it to play favorites as sperm try to fertilize it. When testosterone is high, for example, an egg might turn an X-sperm away, letting a nearby Y-sperm sneak in.







As Grant sees it, there's a key testosterone level above which a woman's offspring wind up a particular sex. But our testosterone levels aren't stable: Stress and other factors influence its production. So women with average testosterone might vary on either side of that point over time, giving birth to daughters or sons as conditions change. But women with extreme levels may remain on one side of the threshold most of the time, dooming them to children of a single sex.

ECOstore USA Product Review!

Recently I had the chance to review a couple products at ECOstore USA.  I'd never heard of the website before so of course I did a little research ;)  This is what ECOstore USA has to say on their website about their products.

Our eco friendly, plant-based household cleaning products are as effective as the leading supermarket brands, and our body and baby care ranges are gentle on your skin and are simply beautiful to use. All of our products are made from plant- and mineral-based ingredients, free of toxic chemicals that bring people closer to nature with non-toxic, environmentally safe solutions that also help to reduce our carbon footprint.


Now I had recently been telling my husband how I wanted to go "natural" with my cleaning products but that I love when my house has that "clean" smell.  I'm a little OCD about it actually!  All of the "natural" products I've tried from the grocery store never really fit the bill for me.  They either didn't have that "clean" smell or I was concerned about the job they did.
 
I was offered 2 products to try on the ECOstore website.  The two products I choose were:
 
Citrus All Purpose cleaner

The ingredients in the cleaner:

•D-Limonene (from citrus)

•Palm and coconut based non-ionic and anionic surfactants

•Fatty acid derivative

•Ethanol

•Filtered water
 
I also choose the Coconut and Vanilla Body Wash
 
 

The ingredient list is:

Ingredients

•Water •Sodium Cocoyl Glutamate
•Sodium Lauroamphoacetate
•Wheat Germamidopropyldimonium
•Hydroxypropyl Hydrolysed Wheat Protein
•Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride
•Sodium Hydroxymethyl Glycinate
•Certified Organic Fragrance
 
A couple days after ordering the products I got an email stating that there was a delay in shipment and to show their appreciation for my patience they were throwing in a bar of their coconut soap!  Heck I didn't even complain and they are apologizing and throwing in a free item.  How nice of them!
 

I have used the All Purpose cleaner all over my house.  In the kitchen, on the computer desk, on the dining room table, and other places!  It really does clean really well.  I was pretty skeptical because of my past history with all natural cleaners.  It smells really nice, and doesn't leave any kind of film or oil or anything on the surface of what I'm cleaning.  It is definitely one I will order again!

The body wash smells really good!  It lathers really well and again I haven't had any kind of film or soapy residue left on my body.  I've been very very pleased!

The soap goes very well with the body wash and also smells excellent!

Out of all the "natural" Earth friendly products I've tried ECOstore has been the best!

They're offering a Buy One Get One sale throughout the month of July!!  Buy any product and they will automatically DOUBLE it!!  They are also offering free shipping on any order over $25.00!!

This is the perfect time to stock up!

Go place your order! I'm about to :)

Visit ECOstoreUSA on their website: HERE

Follow ECOstoreUSA on facebook: HERE

Follow ECOstoreUSA on Twitter: HERE

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received the product mentioned above for free for review purposes from ECOstoreUSA. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

Baby Shopping!

Linking up for The Happiness Project again!  Click the picture Above to see other things that make people happy!!


So last week we did some baby shopping!  That always makes me happy :)  I mean who doesn't get happy doing some retail therapy?!  And when it's cute baby stuff????  Even better!

This is what we bought!

Pack and Play

Bedding Set

Infant Seat

Travel system.  (I got the sit and stand because when we got places I just know Avery isn't going to want to walk all the time, especially when he sees the baby in a stroller.  So I thought this was our best option :)


 

Repeating a story

Today while Avery had speech therapy the therapist was asking him about our vacation and what we've done in the 2 weeks since he's been seen last (We were on vacation one week, she was on vacation the next). 

As soon as she asked him I knew what was about to happen...

I always semi dread someone asking Avery a question or asks him to tell them what he did/is going to do this weekend or whatever.  Avery has no problem talking most people's ears off.  The problem comes from him having Apraxia.  With 2-3 word sentences he's 40% intelligible.  But when he goes off gabbing your ear off or is telling you a story it's a completely different story.  Unless you are listening VERY carefully and know his speaking patterns/substitutions you aren't going to understand a single thing he says.  You may catch a word or two here and there, but I always end up getting a "huh?" look with a "what did he say?"

So the minute she asked him to tell her what we did on vacation I knew what was about to happen.  I was about to have to repeat everything he said after he said it.  When we got done telling her all about our Great Wolf Lodge vacation and all about our Day on the Water, she looked at Avery and said "That is so awesome! Lets go work on some of those sounds so you can tell me the story even better!"

He went off to do his hour of speech therapy and I sat there wondering just how long I was going to have to repeat a story.  He's made SO much progress, but we still have such a long way to go.

To read more about Apraxia you can click HERE.

2nd Annual Apraxia Walk!

As most of you know, my youngest son Avery was diagnosed with Childhood Apraxia of Speech back in October of last year.




Childhood Apraxia of Speech is a motor speech disorder. For reasons not yet fully understood, children with apraxia of speech have great difficulty planning and producing the precise, highly refined and specific series of movements of the tongue, lips, jaw and palate that are necessary for intelligible speech.



Children with Apraxia of speech require frequent intensive speech therapy. Avery has been seeing a private speech therapist for almost a year now. He also receives speech therapy through the special education preschool program he attends and gets therapy there 3 times a week. When he started therapy he had the expressive language of a 12 month old! Avery is now 40% intelligible with 2-3 word sentances. This progress is do to hard work and dedication.



Avery also receives Occupational therapy at school for sensory and motor planning issues. He's also making progress in these areas!



Last year we participated in the Baltimore Area Apraxia Walk, which helps raise money for these areas:

•Ongoing funding for the Apraxia Treatment Research Fund - Very little research exists on appropriate and best treatment for children with apraxia of speech. CASANA funds pilot research grants so that researchers can begin studies to best help children as early as possible.

•Apraxia Child Research Registry- A new program, CASANA is establishing an online searchable database research registry so that researchers are able to identify children for participation in qualified research projects to further understanding about the causes and nature of CAS. In particular we will seek children with known genetic, metabolic, or neuroanatomical findings. As interest in CAS research heightens based on the growing availability of advanced genetic and imaging technology, CASANA will be on the forefront of research support.

•Multimedia Education Projects - CASANA is using walk funds to create educational DVDs and products to further teach parents and professionals about childhood apraxia of speech.

•Training for future SLPs - Most who graduate from a Master's program in Speech-Language Pathology have had minimal if any exposure to childhood apraxia of speech, its assessment, or its treatment. This is part of an isidious problem which leads to unprepared professionals. Walk funds are being used to create more opportunities for students and practicing SLPS so that our children with apraxia receive the best possible treatment.



This year we are co-coordinating the 2nd annual Baltimore Area Walk for Children with Apraxia of speech.



The walk will be taking place soon and I'm looking for people to help support us in our walk by making a FULLY TAX DEDUCTIBLE donation to our Team (Avery's Army) or by joining us and walking with us during the walk!



Any amount you can give would be SO appreciated and would help us on our journey to helping Avery learn to speak. Please look into your hearts (and wallets) and support Avery in his struggle to speak!



You can go to the website below to make your contribution.

APRAXIA WALK - AVERY'S ARMY!

A day on the water

I know this isn't "one" picture, but it's the whole kind of "day" that causes me so much happiness :)

Sunday we spent the day on the potomac river with my dad and stepmom and little sister.  We took my dad's boat and 2 jet skis and decided to have some fun for the day.

I just love being out there.

So much fun!  Can't wait to do it again :)

Happy Follow me Friday! Letters of Intent and weekend plans!

Hello everyone!

If you're here from any of the Friday follows welcome!  My name is Heather and I'm a 29 year old stay at home mom to almost 4 boys!  That's right, we're an all boy family here!  I'm due with my 4th boy in November.  Grab a snack and a cup of coffee and catch up on some reading!  You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll find out about life with boys!

You can follow me on Twitter: HERE
You can "like" my facebook page: HERE

Leave a link so I can follow you back!






I'm linking up like usual for Letters of Intent!  Click the picture above to read more letters!

Dear Hubby:
You can say it's pregnancy hormones all you want, but you're really making me mad lately!  Just so you know (incase you didn't already) we have another baby coming in November.  It is impossible to plan for this baby and get excited about this baby if you won't talk to me to him!  Everytime I try to talk to you about names or things to buy or plans the only response I get from you is "can we talk about this later?" Each and everytime I bring it up it's always the same response.

Then you got mad at me for talking to the other boys about names.  Telling me "you're not giving me a chance to have any input"  Do you not remember the million and one times I've approached you to talk about things? Do you not remember telling me "can we talk about this at dinner?" and then at dinner when I brought it up you said "Can we talk about this later tonight?"  Then I brought it up yet again and you said "Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

I'm sorry but I'm no longer going to wait for you to make plans and buy things and talk about things.  I've brought it up enough times to get the hint that you really don't care to talk about it.  Which to me means you don't care what his name is or what I want to buy/plan.  So I'll do the planning and naming and when you're ready to discuss things feel free to bring it up!

Love,
You wife who does actually remember there's another baby coming in a few months.


I'm excited for this weekend.  Tomorrow I plan to do some baby shopping (which is always fun!) and then sunday we'll be joining my dad and stepmom and little sister for some boat and time on the water fun!  Can't wait!

Talked to the older boys this morning (remember they are with the inlaws for the month) and they told me they woke up early at 5:30 this morning to go pick corn!  They are such country boys! LOL  They always talk to me about picking potato bugs off my in laws garden plants and picking green beans and potatos and corn.  They love that stuff.  Riding the 4-wheeler with my mother in law and running all over the place.  I'm glad they get to experience all that.  My oldest son said to me today "I wish we lived closer to grandma, then we wouldn't have to miss her when we're home and miss you when we're with her."  Aww :)

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Neutrogena Ultrasheer Daily Liquid Sunblock Review

Neutrogena UltraSheer Liquid sunblock


I was given the opportunity to review the Neutrogena UltraSheer Liquid Sunblock recently. When I recieved the product I got 2 bottles of sunblock. The SPF on it is 70 and the bottle says it can be used under make up and for everyday use.

I decided to put that to the test!



The next day I woke up and after I showered and dried my hair I opened up the bottle.

It says only a small amount is needed and they were right! It went on very smoothly and easily. I didn't need much more than a small dime size amount to do my entire face and neck.

It smelled very nice which is a major thing for me. I really don't want to walk around smelling like suntan lotion if I'm not at the pool or beach. And with an SPF of 70 I can still take the kids out and about for the day and not have to worry about my face burning.



After a few seconds I went to the mirror and fully expected a shiny complexion. I expected to look oily and for my make up to not go on smoothly because of the product on my face. It was the complete opposite though! My face wasn't oily! I couldn't even tell that I had it on my face!



This is definitely a product I could use everyday! I've only used it twice so I can't honestly say it hasn't caused any breakouts or anything. But Neutrogena is known for being a "clean complexion" company.



I'll definitely write another review after using the product for a while and let you know for sure how I feel. For right now though, I love this product!



This can be purchased at any major retailer. I know for a fact Target carries the 1.4oz container for 11.99.



It's definitely worth trying! You won't be disappointed!


Get $2 off your UltraSheer® purchase at http://www.neutrogena.com/suncoupon.



Disclosure of Material Connection: I received the product mentioned above for free for review purposes from Tidal Labs. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

Pour your Heart Out - another feelings on a 4th boy entry

Linking up with Shell again this week to Pour My Heart Out.  Click the picture and read others who are pouring their hearts out too.






So are you guys sick of hearing my feelings on a 4th boy yet??  I'm sure you are.  I know I'm tired of moping around and writing about it all the time.

For those that don't know...I went yesterday for the anatomy sonogram.  During the sonogram we found out we'll be having boy #4.  I knew that was a possiblility.  This pregnancy was completely unplanned, unexpected, and not even in the realm of our thoughts.  I was on the Nuvaring when I got pregnant.   I hadn't had a period is almost 3 months despite changing my ring like I was supposed to and I decided to go to the doctor.  I wasn't expecting to hear "you're pregnant" but that's exactly what I heard.  To say I was shocked would be an understatement.   During my c-section with my 3rd son I was told there were a lot of complications and that a 4th pregnancy would be dangerous.  And now that was exactly what I was told was happening.  A 4th pregnancy. If I had planned this 4th pregnancy I would have swayed my odds or kept track of my cycles to best choose my ovulation days.  But there would be none of that.  I was pregnant!

In my mind I kept telling myself "maybe this was my way to get a girl" "obviously this was meant to be! It must be my girl!" I kept saying "this pregnancy is so different then the other three.  It has to be a girl!"  Even my husband was saying "I have a feeling this one is a girl."  During the sonogram I was looking at the baby on the screen and told the sonographer "I don't see anything between those legs!" and I said to her "Be nice to me! Tell me it's a girl!"

I think she knew the entire time that it was a boy though.  She was saying things like "well you don't see anything between the legs because the legs are closed" and "well we'll see, But it's not my fault, it would be his fault (pointing at my hubby).  That should have been my first clue.  But in my head I kept saying "she just wants to surprise me."  "she just wants to show me a great shot of the girl money shot." etc etc.

So when she showed another angle of the legs and said "do you see anything between the legs now?" and I saw what I saw I still was in disbelief. I was looking so hard to not see anything that I think I sort of blocked out the penis there on the screen.  My husband says it was clear as day. She then said to me "I'm sorry.  I'm not very nice to you am I?"  And the tears started to fall.  Right there on the table I started to cry.  I'm talking the big crocodile tears running down my face with my stomach bouncing with each breath I took.  I was trying so hard to hide it.  She was having trouble getting other pictures because my belly kept moving with my tears. I was trying to hold my breath so she could get more pictures.  And to her credit she was trying to make me feel better.  She was saying things like "oh look how cute he is" and "look he's got his fists already out ready to fight".

I try to explain to people I'm not mourning the fact that it's another boy.  I'm mourning the fact that I'll never have that daughter I've always dreamed about.  I'm not sad at the fact that I'm having another boy. I'm sad at the fact that I'll never get to experience the girl things.

I love my boys.  I love having boys.

I think maybe if I could do some shopping I might feel better.  Maybe if I got a few "boy" things in the house I could get more excited. We threw everything baby/infant related away since there were no plans for another baby.  So really we need to start all over.

The words of my mother still echo in my head from after I had my third son "Just another boy, nothing special about him."  And I worry.  If he was "just another boy and nothing was special about him, how will everyone feel about yet another boy?"

I know to me he'll be special.  But will he be ignored by everyone else as "just another boy."  I mean hell he'll be the 6th grandson on each side of the family.  Nothing special about that huh?

and here I go crying again so I'm going to end this now.

Back to your regularly scheduled happy entries soon I promise.

The Happiness Project-week 18

Linking up of course for The Happiness Project!  Click the picture to see other things that make people happy!

It's Boy #4 for me!  No girls allowed in this house I guess!

So Tomorrow is the big day...

Tomorrow is the big day.  The "big" ultrasound. The whole "It's a boy!" "It's a girl!" ultrasound.

My husband said to me tonight "So, if they say it's a boy tomorrow, what can I expect from you?"  What can you expect from me?  I dunno!  I told him "I guess we'll see if it happens."  He responded with "Well are you going to have a complete breakdown?"

Finally I told him "I know it's a possibility.  I'm going in there fully knowing it could be another boy.  I'm going in there fully knowing it's very possible they're going to say "It's a boy!".  I'm also going in there fully knowing it's possible that they won't be able to tell me!  I'm not going to know how I'm going to react until it happens."

You know that "mother's intuition" people always talk about?  When you hear pregnant women say "I knew it was a boy/girl from the very beginning?"  I so do not have that this time.  With my third son it was like I knew he was a boy from the very beginning.  I always said "he" when talking about the baby.  All my dreams were of a boy. This time I just don't know!  I keep having these reacurring dreams where the baby is born and the doctor says "It's a boy! ... no wait...It's a girl!"  Or I'm in the sonogram room and the person says "It's a girl! It's a boy! It's a girl!"  so annoying!!  When talking about the baby I find myself saying "it" instead of "he/she".  So there is definitely no "intuiton" there this time.

I'm also getting SO nervous.  It's almost 11pm and I'm still awake because I just can't fall asleep!  It's the last night of wondering (hopefully).  It's the last night where I can keep thinking it's possible that I may get my daughter I've always wanted and dreamed of.  As of tomorrow I know that dream/hope will either become a reality or will be gone forever.  There will be no more babies in this household.  My husband had a vasectomy so there is no possibility of ever changing our minds.  Plus I'm scared to death of having 4 kids, so I don't think I'd ever even think of having 5!

Tomorrow I could become the mother of 4 boys.  And I worry about the comments and looks.  As I said in my blog entry Pouring my heart out - on being a mom of boys I talk about the comments I get now.  I can't imagine the comments if I have another boy!

Then I think about the comments if this one is a girl "Oh you finally got your girl huh?" "finally a girl!" etc.  And I hate how that would make my boys feel.

I guess there's just no pleasing me huh?! LOL

So for tonight and until my appt at 11am est tomorrow morning I'll just keep repeating my new motto.

Hoping for pink, probably blue, healthy will do!

Monday Mugs

I'm linking up this week for Monday Mugs!  The theme this week is "blue".  Click the picture and check out other "mugs" this week :)

This picture was taken while on vacation last week at Great Wolf Lodge!